Recluse

The circle inside grows smaller as the boundary wall expands and spikes. Will there be enough room left for 3? 1? None? 

12 years on and I'm reminded of The Coast of Utopia once again: 

'He’s a free man because he gives away freely. I’m beginning to understand the trick of freedom. Freedom can’t be a residue of what was unfreely given up, divided up like a fought-over loaf. Every giving up has to be self-willed, freely chosen, unenforceable. Each of us must forgo only what we choose to forgo, balancing our personal freedom of action against our need for the cooperation of other people- who are each making the same balance for themselves. What is the largest number of individuals who can pull this trick off? I would say it’s smaller than a nation, smaller than the ideal communities of Cabet or Fourier. I would say the largest number is smaller than three. Two is possible, if there is love, but two is not a guarantee.'

[Tom Stoppard - The Coast of Utopia: Shipwreck]

[Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now]

How does a person that wants community keep one when most let them down?

All I think about is you.

4 am

This was also written at and originally titled '4 o'clock'. I can't remember now why I changed it. Perhaps I somehow knew a conspiracy would be unveiled!


[Rives - The 4 a.m. mystery]

In the doorway holding every letter that I wrote
In the driveway pulling away putting on your coat
In the ocean washing off my name from your throat
In the morning, in the morning


[Fleet Foxes - The Shrine / An Argument]

To Kill a Mockingbird

I saw through the eyes of a child and was sent back in time to summers before I referred to myself as me. When adventures meant challenging ghosts on dark autumn nights and hiding in forests to cast spells. When it was easy knowing what's right. When little experience had many stories to tell. Many more stories to tell than I have now.

'I hated him for that, but when you are in trouble you become easily tired: soon I was hiding in his lap and his arms were around me.'

[Harper Lee]

Woods

Things I gathered last summer

No vot

Sõbrad kirjutavad uusi laule
Ja laulavad vanu
Loome uusi tantse
Unustame vanad
Uued krutskid uued lood
nostalgia on hoor
põrgu uimasti
uinume koos

...selle ilusa kirjutise leidsin oma vanalt kõvalt kettalt. 

                           ??? 

I really miss home today

What if I never get to call those rusty beaches with reflections of factories and cranes my home again?

{new words from an old neighbour

Ööülikool
Aitäh Ingrid! 

When you look in the mirror sober, your body and you are the same. But when you look in the mirror drunk, the body is separate. And there's a distance between you and the person in the mirror.
............................................................................................
We have to run around when we're young. We have to try out everything. To find what makes us happy. Then we make a nest. And surround ourselves with things that make us happy. Waiting for death. 

(Laika Virgin - Nähtamatu)

Satan's dark ABYSS

• an immeasurably deep or seemingly bottomless chasm, depth, or void.
• a wide or profound difference between people.
• the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit.
• a catastrophic situation seen as likely to occur.
• the primeval chaos out of which it was believed that the earth and sky were formed.
• (Beethoven- Symphony 7, Allegretto, mvt 2)

The more I experience, the less music I can listen to. The less films I can watch. The less books I can read. The less plays I can see. E V E R Y T H I N G claims a meaning. What is left is the brainless, the funny, the simple, the entertaining. Is that me, too?

I've written myself down since I was 16 and before that on paper. I've kept all the notes, the tram tickets, the diaries, the letters, the journals. I read them again and again. My core has stayed the same, but the passion has become a secret. I no longer share it.

I've always dreamed of a place. There has always been somewhere I've wanted to be. In the moment they seem like the greatest goal, but as time passes, new places take over and the old ones are forgotten. Although some of them creep back. And the further they are, the stronger their power over me.

My arcadias...

Provence, France when I was 14

Ireland from when I was 15 to when I was 17

Done when I was 21.

Havana, Cuba from when I was 15 and still

St Petersburg and Moscow, Russia when I was 17-18

Scotland from when I was 14 to when I was 18

Done when I was 18, done again when I was 19 and done again when I was 20

Toledo, Spain when I was 18

Faroe Islands from when I was 18 and still

Melbourne, Australia from when I was 18 to when I was 20

Southern states, USA from when I was 17 and still

Colorado and Lake Tahoe, USA now, 21

and Kopli always