Recluse

The circle inside grows smaller as the boundary wall expands and spikes. Will there be enough room left for 3? 1? None? 

12 years on and I'm reminded of The Coast of Utopia once again: 

'He’s a free man because he gives away freely. I’m beginning to understand the trick of freedom. Freedom can’t be a residue of what was unfreely given up, divided up like a fought-over loaf. Every giving up has to be self-willed, freely chosen, unenforceable. Each of us must forgo only what we choose to forgo, balancing our personal freedom of action against our need for the cooperation of other people- who are each making the same balance for themselves. What is the largest number of individuals who can pull this trick off? I would say it’s smaller than a nation, smaller than the ideal communities of Cabet or Fourier. I would say the largest number is smaller than three. Two is possible, if there is love, but two is not a guarantee.'

[Tom Stoppard - The Coast of Utopia: Shipwreck]

[Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now]

How does a person that wants community keep one when most let them down?

All I think about is you.

Spotless Mind

"Pages ripped out. Don't remember doing that. It appears this is my first entry in two years."

Life has swirled and turned and gone upside down. Almost everything is different now. But some stability has finally been gained.
If the Laura of Anna's trails had known what was to come, would she have changed anything?

4 am

This was also written at and originally titled '4 o'clock'. I can't remember now why I changed it. Perhaps I somehow knew a conspiracy would be unveiled!


[Rives - The 4 a.m. mystery]

In the doorway holding every letter that I wrote
In the driveway pulling away putting on your coat
In the ocean washing off my name from your throat
In the morning, in the morning


[Fleet Foxes - The Shrine / An Argument]

I really miss home today

What if I never get to call those rusty beaches with reflections of factories and cranes my home again?

The worlds end in London

[Low - Sunflower]

'In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river...

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.'

[T. S. Eliot]

The radiation will come for all of us.

Satan's dark ABYSS

• an immeasurably deep or seemingly bottomless chasm, depth, or void.
• a wide or profound difference between people.
• the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit.
• a catastrophic situation seen as likely to occur.
• the primeval chaos out of which it was believed that the earth and sky were formed.
• (Beethoven- Symphony 7, Allegretto, mvt 2)

The more I experience, the less music I can listen to. The less films I can watch. The less books I can read. The less plays I can see. E V E R Y T H I N G claims a meaning. What is left is the brainless, the funny, the simple, the entertaining. Is that me, too?

I've written myself down since I was 16 and before that on paper. I've kept all the notes, the tram tickets, the diaries, the letters, the journals. I read them again and again. My core has stayed the same, but the passion has become a secret. I no longer share it.

I've always dreamed of a place. There has always been somewhere I've wanted to be. In the moment they seem like the greatest goal, but as time passes, new places take over and the old ones are forgotten. Although some of them creep back. And the further they are, the stronger their power over me.

My arcadias...

Provence, France when I was 14

Ireland from when I was 15 to when I was 17

Done when I was 21.

Havana, Cuba from when I was 15 and still

St Petersburg and Moscow, Russia when I was 17-18

Scotland from when I was 14 to when I was 18

Done when I was 18, done again when I was 19 and done again when I was 20

Toledo, Spain when I was 18

Faroe Islands from when I was 18 and still

Melbourne, Australia from when I was 18 to when I was 20

Southern states, USA from when I was 17 and still

Colorado and Lake Tahoe, USA now, 21

and Kopli always