Both sides of the coin. No really.

Modest moments

{new words from an old neighbour

Ööülikool
Aitäh Ingrid! 

When you look in the mirror sober, your body and you are the same. But when you look in the mirror drunk, the body is separate. And there's a distance between you and the person in the mirror.
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We have to run around when we're young. We have to try out everything. To find what makes us happy. Then we make a nest. And surround ourselves with things that make us happy. Waiting for death. 

(Laika Virgin - Nähtamatu)

Satan's dark ABYSS

• an immeasurably deep or seemingly bottomless chasm, depth, or void.
• a wide or profound difference between people.
• the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit.
• a catastrophic situation seen as likely to occur.
• the primeval chaos out of which it was believed that the earth and sky were formed.
• (Beethoven- Symphony 7, Allegretto, mvt 2)

The more I experience, the less music I can listen to. The less films I can watch. The less books I can read. The less plays I can see. E V E R Y T H I N G claims a meaning. What is left is the brainless, the funny, the simple, the entertaining. Is that me, too?

I've written myself down since I was 16 and before that on paper. I've kept all the notes, the tram tickets, the diaries, the letters, the journals. I read them again and again. My core has stayed the same, but the passion has become a secret. I no longer share it.

I've always dreamed of a place. There has always been somewhere I've wanted to be. In the moment they seem like the greatest goal, but as time passes, new places take over and the old ones are forgotten. Although some of them creep back. And the further they are, the stronger their power over me.

My arcadias...

Provence, France when I was 14

Ireland from when I was 15 to when I was 17

Done when I was 21.

Havana, Cuba from when I was 15 and still

St Petersburg and Moscow, Russia when I was 17-18

Scotland from when I was 14 to when I was 18

Done when I was 18, done again when I was 19 and done again when I was 20

Toledo, Spain when I was 18

Faroe Islands from when I was 18 and still

Melbourne, Australia from when I was 18 to when I was 20

Southern states, USA from when I was 17 and still

Colorado and Lake Tahoe, USA now, 21

and Kopli always

Sufjan Stevens sang

Time stands still
while I sit by myself
rolling cigarettes backwards
Sufjan Stevens sings.
My only friends in the capital of freedom
are thoughts born
as wind blows
through me
I can smell the sea
No going back now
Steps calculated into stone
21 and nothing to show.
Waiting for the conveyor to start
mold me normal, mold me smart
Do the space and the woods still know who I am?
I can see myself back home
on the tram from the old
town
to the ghetto and beyond.

17th November
is that the day I failed to be?
Even so, I now am here.

'And this world is no place
For a mind or a thought
No it's not
Well that's been said before'